cautiously extatic.

i was going to write this post yesterday about getting pregnant after miscarrying and the fears and excitement and nervousness and hope that's all wrapped into one giant ball of morning sickness vomit. and how i had an appointment tomorrow (which is now today... right this moment actually) that would tell us what feelings we could feel, whether it be devastation or pure happiness. and how teetering on the edge of those two emotions can make a person go fucking crazy.

but here i am, waiting for the nurse to pop into the room (which in my honest opinion is worse than the suspense you get while watching a horror movie and is the top of the top reason why i hate going to the doctor), and i'm pregnant. we saw our little bug moving around and its teeny heartbeat bumping away ("that sounds great!" said the tech) and although we are OVER THE GODDAMN MOON!!!!!! there is still that incling of fear, the what ifs, the i hope this lasts.

for now, we're cautiously soaking up every minute with this leetle embryo ❤️

and for real... what the fuck. i love and respect all nurses, but are you having a pizza party in the damn lounge while i'm stuck like a rat in a sterile cage for 45 minutes? is it cindy's birthday and you're all singing and opening gifts and rhonda is sneaking rum into the punch bowl while i rot in this 6x10? hey guess what? i really enjoy pizza and fucking love cake and i also have to get back to work, so please... put down the pepperoni and let's get this shit over with!

(typed as nurse enters room...)

stay in your lane.

 

 

i'm usually so good at this! i have always had relatively strong opinions on allowing others to do their thing without my nose getting into their business. as long as it's not harmful to themselves or others and does not affect me in some adverse way, who am i to say what you can and cannot think, feel, or do?  i was not placed on this earth to pass judgment on someone else's life, just as i expect the same in return. there's a chance that i may not agree with you, but that does not mean that i would ever tell you that you can't do/think/feel how you do. now... having an opinion and bringing that up at happy hour is, in my mind, different ;)

 

BUT!

 

there's this thing that's happening in my family right now. and it's so hard to stay out of it and it's so hard to stay in my lane, when all that i want to do is yell, "what the fuck is wrong with you??? this is the most selfish choice that i have ever witnessed! you have done nothing to prove that you are even remotely capable to handle this and no one. literally no one. thinks that this is a good thing." (well that feels better!). and yes, i know that i'm not a alone in my feelings, but i am alone in the fact that i cannot let go and move forward. i think about this thing daily and it is such a toxic situation and by merely thinking about it all, i'm mentally and emotionally brought down to a negative place.

 

and yes, i believe that part of this is my own issue. the miscarriages, the trying, the single line on the test. it sucks and it's part of my disdain and it's part of my inability to let go and it really, really sucks that my vagina is supposed to sing red on Saturday when i'll be helping to host a little party for said issue and i know that i'll be a wreck (hopefully internally, at least until the party's over... jeesh) and all of this builds into my feelings and makes it hard to differentiate my disgust at the situation and my heartbreak that it isn't me.

 

i need to let it go. i need to stay in my lane and let it go, because i know that i wouldn't be feeling THIS strongly if i wasn't having my own struggle right now and i need to have hope that it will be me when the time is right and that even though i truly am disheartened and let down by what's going on, it's not my life. it's not my choice. it's not my problem.

 

i need to remind myself to have hope, not hate. i can't change what's happening... plus, hope is a better feeling than hate.

morning off.

there was a power outage at work! and it was awesome because i hadn't even gotten out of my pajamas! so instead of stumbling out of the house at 7:30 gross, i was home with my number one... and two... girls until almost noon! squeak!

!!!

so aside from my obvious excitement at being able to stay home with my babes, mornings with my girl are my absolute favorite and oddly enough... trying out new breakfasts with her is a big part of that. i've always been a huge proponent of introducing lucy to as much diverse flavor as possible. trying to expand her little palette in hopes that she won't be super picky and for the most part, it's worked... fingers crossed, wood knocked.

 

one thing that i like to mess with, because it's easy is adding things to her eggs in the morning. this morning i put in a few dashes of dill and cajun spice before whipping up the eggs and slow scrambling them. oh so good. the cajun spice isn't hot spicy, which is perfect for a baby's mouth and offers a round flavor... a little more edge than plain old eggs (which is all that my husband makes for her ugh). she also loooooves avocados and toast, but avocado toast? not a fan. i'm pretty sure winnie was handed those. 

mmmmmmm... there's nothing like wheat grass in the morning :) for real though... one of my girlfriend's girlfriend swears by a glass of wheat grass in the morning. i can't remember the brand... it's organic and tastes like horse hay.... but it's honestly unreal. one glass in the morning will give me more than enough energy to last the day... WITHOUT coffee! say what! the only reason that i had that delicious starbucks brew out this particular morning was because I had to drink it before it went bad... woa is me. really though... amazon that ish. it's awesome. organic wheat grass for the win. oh... and brekkie with the winnies and a little frozen ain't bad either. 

aaaaand i had to post these because awwww! so cute!  

happy Halloween (a week late...)!!! 

new beginning.

New month.

New beginning.

New mindset.

New focus.

New start.

New intentions.

New results.

my mantra.
it's been so hard for me to get on a kick lately.
i know what i need. i know what i need to do and i get there, it just doesn't stick.
but it's got to.
i need to get healthy for my baby, for my husband, for any future babies.
most importantly, for me.

so i'm using this day, the first of the month, to be a jumping off point.
a new beginning.

mtka o.

can i preface this with saying how much i hate when people talk about going to the "pumpkin patch"? like... i know that that's the name of where you're going, but it's so annoying to me. "me and the littles at the pumpkin batch!", "doing fall at the pumpkin patch", "being gross and saying pumpkin patch". ugh! can i be more of a curmudgeon or what? bah-humbug and bad tidings to you, too.

so here we are at the pumpkin patch!

ew. hahaha :)

my sister cuzzie is home for a bit, before their family is transferred to hawaii (HUGE sad face) and we decided to do it up, fall style and go to Minnetonka Orchards a few weekends ago. 

serious blast. 

it's not thaaaat far from the cities, there a million things for the kids to do, apple cider donuts, and a free hay ride. woot!

i mean for real... this chick kept her stunner shades on the ENTIRE time. and i died.
it was such a perfect day and i know that we need to get lu into ecfe and other programs, but i wish we could just pocket this little family for a while longer. our busy schedules make it hard to see each other every day and i keep having to remind myself that it'll only be like this for a few more month.

megan and i are only 8 months apart and being an only child, that meant that she was and is the closest thing that i will ever have to a sister/sibling. we grew up not far apart, sleepovers all too often for my liking (i've always had separation anxiety from my parents and i don't care who knows it so there), every spring break for a good while together, lived together several times till we almost killed each other, and have always wanted to have our babies have that with each other. 

so this was a good weekend. as sad as it will be when they leave once again (GD navy...), we'll soak up these beautiful weekends together as our babies entwine themselves to each other as we have for all these many years.

also... as you look at this last picture, hear "weeee we... weeee we... weeee we" in the cutest baby voice <3<3<3

how to have a baby.

step 1: get married.
step 2: track your flow.
step 3: have unprotected sex whilst ovulating.
step 4: you're now pregnant.
step 5: 10 months later and poof... you have your baby.

easy enough, right?
but what about when it's not? what happens then?

we spend so much of our formative years not even thinking about getting pregnant (or if we do it's, "dear god let me get my period..."), that when the time comes when we're ready for that baby, we want that... scratch that... we neeeeed that baby, most of us aren't prepared for the unexpected struggle.

getting pregnant with Lucy was a breeze. we didn't want to be pregnant on our honeymoon in Europe... i mean... we were in Munich during Oktoberfest. duh. and basically got pregnant a few weeks after we got back. wam bam thank you mam.

 i didn't have to think about it/obsess about it. it just happened and was so easy that i guess i just assumed i'd be one of those fertile mertyle's who wouldn't have any issues having babies on babies on babies.

Kevan and i have always wanted our kids to be close in age, so when we got pregnant soon after Lucy was born (like woops... 'they would've been 13 months apart'... soon after), we were like wow... this might be a little crazy... but we can totally do this and it's going to be awesome.

then i had a miscarriage and it was terrible and we cried and we moved forward... got pregnant again a couple of months later, followed by yet another miscarriage.

 the sinking realization that this won't be as easy as i had hoped and all of the questions and fears that come along with that has been a hard adjustment. i might have to sit back and watch everyone else get pregnant, while i pine for another baby. i might have to learn to be ok and happy with a family of three and as selfish and ungrateful as that may sound, i want all of the babies.

i want a house full... or a full house (haaaave mercy!)... and as i said before, the prospect of that not happening has shifted our world a little bit and as much as you try to stay positive and keep trucking through, it's still there. the what if. and you know what... i think it's ok to be sad or feel defeated at times or even mad or jealous when a friend gets pregnant... i mean... obviously you're elated, ecstatic, excited... but it's ok to also have the other feelings, too.

i don't know. i guess the long winded point is that nobody really talks about this side of it. the emotional and physical struggles that women go through when trying to get pregnant and i think that it's a shame, because when it does happen, we're not prepared for how gut wrenching it is. what a life altering process trying to give life can be.

and every day i remind myself of how lucky i already am... 

 

my happy place.

this is my happy place.

up north. on the lake. this lake. 

we've been coming here since i was a baby... since my mom was a baby. this lake is in our blood. it's waters run deep through our soul. 

and now through my baby.

there is something about being up north that has always brought an immense amount of peace and clarity to me. being on the water, away from technology and all the responsibility of life in the city really allows your brain to disconnect. to rest. i always tell my husband that your brain is a muscle and just like marathon runners need to take a few days off here and there, big thinkers/IT nuts like him need to give their brain muscle a break too or risk injury... although sometimes his brain already seems injured... dishes go in the dishwasher damnit! and that right there is exactly why getting out of the city... getting not only mentally, but physically away from our problems and stresses allows us to regroup. to come back fresh eyed and bushy tailed and ready for the week's challenges.  



blue steel baby :)

the spirit of adventure is strong with this one. not even a week after she started walking and she was stomping the lawn like she owned the place... frankenstein style, always.

suns out, belly's out!

it's just the best.

the trail of broken hearts

wah.
this damn trail.
i love it. i hate it.
it's gorgeous and runs right past our house.
but it runs right past our house! my unobstructed view of wildlife and nature is now tainted with sweaty people and damn kids. ugh those damn kids.
just yesterday, two women had stopped and were looking at something when i realized it was two cute little deer! two cute little deer that i would have been able to clearly see a few months ago, but now... noooow i have to peer through this damn trail and its fence and the damn women.
arrrrr!!! first world problems!!! angry face.

 

i feel ya kid...  



rabbit rabbit.

i did it!

i actually remembered to say rabbit rabbit this morning! who knows if it'll bring me good luck this month... i mean... i did get to work and immediately texted my girlfriends that this was going to be the day that i was going to split my pants... but we'll see! i guess, if i make it through work and target with no rippage of the pants, i'm off to a good start.

speaking of ripping my pants... i need to lose weight. like lots of it. i just went through my phone to try to find old pictures of my sexy ass, but it's been so long... i'm not even sure cell phones had been invented the last time i was skinny. sigh.

maybe that's what all this good luck will be about this month. loosing a million pounds!

i bought a bunch of jars recently and started making jarred salads and overnight oats to bring to work, which really helps. what doesn't help is when you get busy and forget and then go to the gas station for a burrito bowl (no rice! yes chips... damn) and about 10 other treats. grrrr. but! it does really help to meal prep. it actually makes all the difference in the world. making sure to have meals prepped at the beginning of the work week, especially for meals eaten at work, takes all of the guess work out. all of the chances for bad choices and skipped meals no longer pose a threat to a healthy lifestyle.

plus... look at that beaut! she's filled with tzatziki, tomates, red onion, gyro meat (gyro meat! not really all that healthy, but TJs sells it!), and loads of lettuce. mmmm... she's a regular, ol', gyro salad in a jar! so good. probably not the healthiest salad i could make, but it's better than Noodles or Pasta Zola or a juicy burger or a reuben or... ok done.

i'm really hoping to write more about my progress with weight loss. i'm really hoping to have some progress with weight loss. after my last miscarriage, my eyes were really opened to my lifestyle choices and how that is probably a huge factor in everything that happened. loosing weight and living healthy isn't just for me anymore. it's for my baby and all the babies i want to have. it's for my future and for my today and rabbit rabbit! help me lose all of this weight!  

 

it's never too late.

i'm 31 years old and have yet to ever properly use a planner.

along with the tub of journals i have accumulated over the years, my affinity for beautiful planners and my lack of restraint when purchasing... well... anything... landed me with this beauty late last year. the design, the color palette, the everything had me so excited to start actually organizing my life and it worked! for the first few months, it actually worked! and then... it just kind of moved around the house with me. always at the ready to have my plans and events and appointments jotted down on. and sometimes i'd go back to using it again for a few weeks, but then slowly, i'd back off. my poor, beautiful planner, left sitting on the coffee table or my desk or the kitchen counter or tucked in my purse, eagerly awaiting the next time i'd open 'er up and start planning. organizing. doing.

my love affair with planners and my unwillingness to make a long term relationship out of them probably has some deep meaning, an underlying issue that's been bubbling at the surface for a good portion of my life. a darkness that's crying to see the light. my inability to follow through.
or maybe it's just that i'm not that kind of a person. i don't like to be tied down to something and need to feel free to flow with the winds of change in order to feel content.
jesus... i'm talking about a damn day planner... where is this even going??

that's the great thing about life though, right? change. and the ability to do so at a moments notice. like this... we're smack in the middle of the end of summer and the beginning of fall right here... in between these two months. the end of summer is so palpable you can almost taste it. the crisp air and dew on my car in the morning. the windows open and the need for air conditioning dwindling. it all signifies the end of the season and the sadness that comes with that. but those crisp mornings and open windows also mark the beginning of something new. fall is coming.

i guess what I'm trying to say in my typically long winded fashion is, is that it's never too late to start something. to use your day planner.

total noob.

Mood. total. mood: 

 i'm married to the IT manager at a relatively large company and i can barely maneuver around my mac short of browsing the interwebs. so when i tried to upload photos from my camera onto my computer and it said i didn't have enough memory... um what? computers run out of memory? well i'm not that big of a noob, but really though... it's not like i'm hoarding thousands of documents and movies on my laptop... or am i? ugh! I just want to download all of these adorable pictures of my toots.

you're probably thinking... why don't you just ask your IT manager husband to help you?... and that would be a totally logical question to ask and if life were that simple and i didn't have a mac, I totally would. well i'm still going to... but i'm going to have to sit through the endless ramblings about how macs are the worst computers ever and how everyone who uses them doesn't know how to really use them and blah ba blah ba blah blah blah. annoying. i'm going to go now and listen to the wise words of my husband as he clears my computer and bitches about the fact that I should have a pc.

 

mood:

 

1 month and 18 days.

that last post ("we're here again") was actually written 1 month and 18 days ago and for 1 month and 18 days it sat, unpublished in my drafts and for 1 month and 18 days, i would see it and turn on my heels, heading to another corner of the interwebs. i couldn't face the post. i couldn't face the fact that i had had another miscarriage. lost another baby.

to describe a miscarriage would be futile. the heartache and devastation or even the hope for new life that is also accompanied by a pit-of-your-stomach fear that it all might happen again. every feeling, every ache is so deep that there are no words to accurately explain and describe it. it can be crippling and is definitely life-altering, but the hope... it's there and gets stronger every day and crawling out of the darkness has filled me with so much light.

there's been a shift in my body. a clarity in my soul.

it took me 1 month and 18 days to write this post, but that doesn't mean that the healing is complete. it just means that i'm ready to move forward in the most positive light that i can. i owe my daughter and my husband as much.

i owe myself as much.

we're here again.

i can't really put into words the amount of fear that comes with getting pregnant after having a miscarriage. i truly did not think that it would be like this. i thought that i would be elated. that i would have this new appreciation for the gift of life inside me and would sing it from the mountain tops and tell the world "i'm having a baby!".

but it's not like that.

i guess it's pretty obvious after that intro. i'm pregnant. 7 weeks and terrified. every symptom. every lack of symptom. everything makes my heart stop. i'm trying not to, but it's hard. so hard. and the nurse and ultra sound tech told me it would be. i vividly remember them hugging me and telling me that the next time i got pregnant i would be so scared and cautious and they were right.

today, i started bleeding. not a ton, but a little bit more than i did with Lucy. it could be a good sign, since i didn't have any bleeding with my miscarriage... until i miscarried. but it's also making my eyes sting and my breath stop and my throat catch.

*
*
*
*
*
*

fast forward to now. i'm sitting on my couch, my beautiful baby is playing and singing to herself, and i'm bleeding. a lot.

it's over.

and the sadness is real.

sass bread.

ok… i had to post this NOW before i forget what i did. i didn't take any 'in the process' photos, because i didn't even know if it would turn out and i honestly didn't even think to photograph it because it's just carrot bread.

just carrot bread it is not. 

this. 

this bread. 

it is amazing. 

Sass Bread

makes 2 loaves

4 eggs

1 cup white sugar

1 cup brown sugar

2/3 cup canola oil

2/3 cup coconut oil (in liquid form)

3 cups flour

1 1/2 tsp baking soda

2 tsp cinnamon

2 tsp nutmeg

1 tsp salt

4 cups grated carrots (i used the multi colored pack from TJs)

1 can crushed pineapple (drained and pressed)

1 cup currants

preheat oven to 350.

spray 2 bread pans with coconut oil spray.

beat eggs till fluffy.

add oils slowly with mixer on medium high.

add sugars and beat until light and fluffy.

combine all dry ingredients in separate bowl.

slowly add dry mix to wet and then mix well,

stir in carrots, pineapple, and currants by hand until fully incorporated. 

pour batter evenly into pans and bake just over an hour. loaf will be a little brown, but a knife will come out nearly clean.

let cool.

or don't and eat straight outta the oven.

oh my god it's good. it's reeeealy good.

go make this. now. now i tell you!

tori.

i have started umpteen posts on the subject that's been rolling through my mind and my heart for the past month. it is a story that is so gut wrenching with it's debilitating sadness that there have been few days that i have not thought about her and wept since i first read her story.

a young mother... just 37... lost her battle with cancer this past tuesday. it was just over a year ago, after giving birth to her beautiful son, that she found out that she had cancer. just a year... and now she's gone. what a void. what an immense field of sadness that is seen and felt by so many. i didn't know tori, nor did i even know of her until a month ago, when her battle was starting to slow. but we are both women and mothers and i feel like there's this bridge… one shared heart that allows us to feel what one another is feeling.

and this collective heart is breaking. breaking for her two small babes that will know their mother's love, but won't feel her touch. breaking for her husband who will no longer feel his wife's loving kiss. breaking for her family and friends who long for one more hug. and breaking for her. all of life's moments that were just beginning that she had to say goodbye to.

before lucy, my grieving would have been for her children, husband, family, friends. i would have been saddened by the void it left in the lives of those left here. but now, my heart is heavy for her. for the knowledge and deep feeling of loss at what she'd be missing. i can't imagine knowing the end was near and that you'd be leaving your children. i honestly cannot handle the thought. and knowing that she had to endure that is gut wrenching.

every ounce of my being is with you and your circle of loved ones, tori. every ounce.

life lately.

this weekend was a much needed one. 

do you ever feel like you're going and going and going and going and… it's just exhausting? we finally pressed pause and just hung out. loved on each other and soaked up all the weekend goodness.

baby's bikini for florida! looooooooove this little toots and all of her sassssss!

land before time as an adult? soooooo many feels :(

and… just because i know you were begging for it..

hazzaaah!

so gross! hahahaha

green machine.

i think i'm becoming addicted to making baby food. our freezer is bursting at the seams and i have 3 recipes that i've been wanting to try... i'm crazy. i know i am, but they are just too easy to throw together, relatively inexpensive, and my little toots needs to eat... so... it kind of have to... maybe just not the quantity that i've been whipping up, though!

back to the food...

i like to make sure that Lu has a bit of green in every meal and this is one that's on continuous rotation. blanch some greens, toss in some fruit, a little coconut milk to thin it out, and BAM! you've got yourself some green machine baby food. i think i might start playing around more with the addition of herbs. i used to use more spices, but have kind of tapered off for some reason. oh well! 

you can tell this was a daddy day, as it was probably 5 o'clock and Toots is still in her pjs. such a cheeky little monkey!

so hungry! i'm pretty sure this is beets, blueberries, and spinach.

blend that ish up! i like to put everything in a baggie to make it easier to transfer into the ice cube trays.

i let my daughter do this step... no. no i didn't. i'm just really precise...

when all cubes have frozen, i like to write the ingredients and due date on a baggie to store. it just makes things easier when you're in a hurry, or if someone else is feeding her and they have allergies- ie. my mother in-law watches Lu 3 days a week and is allergic to squash and zucchini. this way, she won't go into anaphylactic shock when feeding her granddaughter... yikes!

 

 

  Green Machine

1 pack of frozen peas

1 bag of fresh spinach

1 bag of frozen green beans

1 bag of frozen peaches

1 can of coconut milk

 

dump bag of green beans into boiling water for about 3-4 minutes

transfer directly to ice water

blend all ingredients together

taa-daaaaa!!!

 

from there, you can either feed yo baby right away, put it into the fridge for up to 4 days, or freeze for up to 4 months.

 

**fyi...i am not a fan of the peach flavor. i've made this before with apples and it turned out much better. it's not terrible by any means and i'm sure Lu doesn't even notice nor care, but i do, damnit! i will never use peaches again! well... not in the recipe that is.