talking about loss.

i see myself as a pretty open and honest person. there aren't many topics that i'll stray from or avoid... really only including admitting my actual weight, telling my husband the amount i spent at baby gap, and saying how much i drank last night, which is typically only because i can't remember... but talking about loss, that one's different.

recently i've had a good handful of people ask me if and when we're going to start trying again and i almost feel like i'm lying to everyone when i don't answer the question, "well, i actually just miscarried... so... there's that", but at the same time, i feel like i would be bringing the mood down or that mentioning it would make people pitty me and like i've said before, although i am sad and probably always will be, i am at complete peace with everything and how it all happened and i don't mind talking about it.

so how do you ?

i know that the easiest thing to say is, "just be honest", but as in the aforementioned paragraph, i think that the hardest part is not wanting to make other's sad or feel awkward or i don't know. it's just strange. miscarrying is such a private loss and something that is not easily talked about. i was exactly 10 weeks. we had just told his family and had told my parents a few weeks prior. we were at the stage where we were talking about how we were going to set up the nursery, were we going to find out this time (we didn't with lucy), how we were going to tell everyone else. and then bam. it was over.

so how do you bring up something that was so private, but so close to being so public. no one other than our immediate family knew and yet we were at the cusp of everyone knowing. i don't know. i'm rambling. i still haven't told a few of my best friends merely because i don't know how to bring it up and maybe that's a me thing. maybe i'm not as open as i think i am or at least not as open when it comes to being vulnerable or fear i may being pitied.

blurgh.

life is just so damn complicated sometimes! for now... i leave you with my little toots, looking like she's a toddler and wearing the cutest little romper that will probably not fit much longer, so i will make her wear it every.day.:

 

 

romper is from target

 

haaave mercy <3

i took the plunge.

and joined weight watchers!

i have been on a plunging roller coaster for the better part of a decade. i wasn't always big, in fact, not until i was in my early-mid twenties did i start gaining weight, but when it started, it didn't stop. my two biggest issues have always been lack of exercise and wine, wine, wine, wine, winewinewinewine… i think you get the picture :) it's amazing to me how eating the same (which is honestly not terrible), but adding exercise to my daily routine, causes me to lose weight at a relatively consistent pace and yet, i seem to constantly drag my feet at the mere mention of going on a walk, lifting some weights, or throwing in a work out dvd. you would think that the glaringly obvious end results would kick my butt into gear and motivate me to work. it. out… but nope.

ugh.

so i joined weight watchers! like i said, i don't have terrible eating habits, but i could be better and i think that the bigger and better reason for joining is that it has been and will continue to keep me accountable. i'm hoping that the motivation to workout will come soon, but even if it takes another week or three, at least i'm there… on the road. on the road to not being a fat ass anymore.

wish me luck!

and just like that...

it was over.

i've been trying to write this post for two and a half weeks (really… you should see how many drafts i started, couldn't find the words for, and then couldn't delete). i just don't know where to start and i guess the best thing to do when you're at a loss for words is to let it all out and see where it takes you.

two and half weeks ago… february 3rd… i was added to the list of members in the club that no woman, no family wants to be a part of.

kevan and i went to our first prenatal appointment in the middle of the work day. i had been in this office twice a week for the last two and half months of my pregnancy with lucy. everything felt so safe and routine. there was an issue with the woman having an ultra sound in the appointment before ours, so instead of having us wait around, we did the second half first… blood draws, pelvic exam, the whole nine yards. when we finished up with that, bobby (the ultrasound tech who i got to know really well with lucy) was ready for us and we went back. they had brought in new technology since we had had our first prenatal with lu and as she was starting the vaginal ultrasound and telling us all about it, her body and head dropped. "this is the bad news that i didn't want to give."

i was pregnant… any test would say i was... but it was a bad egg that had been fertilized. there was  a big, black hole in my uterus that should have been filled with a baby and my mind went blank.

I was asked if I wanted to miscarry naturally or have a d&c and I chose to wait it out.

two and half weeks later and I'm coming to the end. it was tough, it was painful in all ways, but (as cliché as it sounds) it happened for a reason. I don't believe that we are always supposed to understand "the reason", but in this case I do. amongst other things, we needed time. my body needed time. life needed time. and as hard as it was to see that empty sac and feel all of my excitement immediately turn to despair, we needed it.

I may not feel the same sense of peace of this ever happens again (heaven forbid), but in this moment that's where I am.

at peace.

the sickness.

i caught it. the sickness.

and it was horrible. and here we are, a week and half later and i still have a cough. STILL. and i rarely get sick sick. and this one, well it took me down. and now it's trying to take my baby down, but i'll be damned if that happens. and then i made the best chocolate chip cookies i've ever had and i don't even like chocolate chip cookies. and now i'm laying on my wood floors with a kind of sick baby who's trying her hardest to crawl, but only goes backwards or sideways or does super mans and now she's coughing and it makes my heart hurt. and ugh. 

and now… i'm going to scoop her up and hug her and smooch her and never let her go.