i can't really put into words the amount of fear that comes with getting pregnant after having a miscarriage. i truly did not think that it would be like this. i thought that i would be elated. that i would have this new appreciation for the gift of life inside me and would sing it from the mountain tops and tell the world "i'm having a baby!".
but it's not like that.
i guess it's pretty obvious after that intro. i'm pregnant. 7 weeks and terrified. every symptom. every lack of symptom. everything makes my heart stop. i'm trying not to, but it's hard. so hard. and the nurse and ultra sound tech told me it would be. i vividly remember them hugging me and telling me that the next time i got pregnant i would be so scared and cautious and they were right.
today, i started bleeding. not a ton, but a little bit more than i did with Lucy. it could be a good sign, since i didn't have any bleeding with my miscarriage... until i miscarried. but it's also making my eyes sting and my breath stop and my throat catch.
*
*
*
*
*
*
fast forward to now. i'm sitting on my couch, my beautiful baby is playing and singing to herself, and i'm bleeding. a lot.
it's over.
and the sadness is real.
No comments:
Post a Comment