how to have a baby.

step 1: get married.
step 2: track your flow.
step 3: have unprotected sex whilst ovulating.
step 4: you're now pregnant.
step 5: 10 months later and poof... you have your baby.

easy enough, right?
but what about when it's not? what happens then?

we spend so much of our formative years not even thinking about getting pregnant (or if we do it's, "dear god let me get my period..."), that when the time comes when we're ready for that baby, we want that... scratch that... we neeeeed that baby, most of us aren't prepared for the unexpected struggle.

getting pregnant with Lucy was a breeze. we didn't want to be pregnant on our honeymoon in Europe... i mean... we were in Munich during Oktoberfest. duh. and basically got pregnant a few weeks after we got back. wam bam thank you mam.

 i didn't have to think about it/obsess about it. it just happened and was so easy that i guess i just assumed i'd be one of those fertile mertyle's who wouldn't have any issues having babies on babies on babies.

Kevan and i have always wanted our kids to be close in age, so when we got pregnant soon after Lucy was born (like woops... 'they would've been 13 months apart'... soon after), we were like wow... this might be a little crazy... but we can totally do this and it's going to be awesome.

then i had a miscarriage and it was terrible and we cried and we moved forward... got pregnant again a couple of months later, followed by yet another miscarriage.

 the sinking realization that this won't be as easy as i had hoped and all of the questions and fears that come along with that has been a hard adjustment. i might have to sit back and watch everyone else get pregnant, while i pine for another baby. i might have to learn to be ok and happy with a family of three and as selfish and ungrateful as that may sound, i want all of the babies.

i want a house full... or a full house (haaaave mercy!)... and as i said before, the prospect of that not happening has shifted our world a little bit and as much as you try to stay positive and keep trucking through, it's still there. the what if. and you know what... i think it's ok to be sad or feel defeated at times or even mad or jealous when a friend gets pregnant... i mean... obviously you're elated, ecstatic, excited... but it's ok to also have the other feelings, too.

i don't know. i guess the long winded point is that nobody really talks about this side of it. the emotional and physical struggles that women go through when trying to get pregnant and i think that it's a shame, because when it does happen, we're not prepared for how gut wrenching it is. what a life altering process trying to give life can be.

and every day i remind myself of how lucky i already am...