it's never too late.

i'm 31 years old and have yet to ever properly use a planner.

along with the tub of journals i have accumulated over the years, my affinity for beautiful planners and my lack of restraint when purchasing... well... anything... landed me with this beauty late last year. the design, the color palette, the everything had me so excited to start actually organizing my life and it worked! for the first few months, it actually worked! and then... it just kind of moved around the house with me. always at the ready to have my plans and events and appointments jotted down on. and sometimes i'd go back to using it again for a few weeks, but then slowly, i'd back off. my poor, beautiful planner, left sitting on the coffee table or my desk or the kitchen counter or tucked in my purse, eagerly awaiting the next time i'd open 'er up and start planning. organizing. doing.

my love affair with planners and my unwillingness to make a long term relationship out of them probably has some deep meaning, an underlying issue that's been bubbling at the surface for a good portion of my life. a darkness that's crying to see the light. my inability to follow through.
or maybe it's just that i'm not that kind of a person. i don't like to be tied down to something and need to feel free to flow with the winds of change in order to feel content.
jesus... i'm talking about a damn day planner... where is this even going??

that's the great thing about life though, right? change. and the ability to do so at a moments notice. like this... we're smack in the middle of the end of summer and the beginning of fall right here... in between these two months. the end of summer is so palpable you can almost taste it. the crisp air and dew on my car in the morning. the windows open and the need for air conditioning dwindling. it all signifies the end of the season and the sadness that comes with that. but those crisp mornings and open windows also mark the beginning of something new. fall is coming.

i guess what I'm trying to say in my typically long winded fashion is, is that it's never too late to start something. to use your day planner.

total noob.

Mood. total. mood: 

 i'm married to the IT manager at a relatively large company and i can barely maneuver around my mac short of browsing the interwebs. so when i tried to upload photos from my camera onto my computer and it said i didn't have enough memory... um what? computers run out of memory? well i'm not that big of a noob, but really though... it's not like i'm hoarding thousands of documents and movies on my laptop... or am i? ugh! I just want to download all of these adorable pictures of my toots.

you're probably thinking... why don't you just ask your IT manager husband to help you?... and that would be a totally logical question to ask and if life were that simple and i didn't have a mac, I totally would. well i'm still going to... but i'm going to have to sit through the endless ramblings about how macs are the worst computers ever and how everyone who uses them doesn't know how to really use them and blah ba blah ba blah blah blah. annoying. i'm going to go now and listen to the wise words of my husband as he clears my computer and bitches about the fact that I should have a pc.

 

mood:

 

1 month and 18 days.

that last post ("we're here again") was actually written 1 month and 18 days ago and for 1 month and 18 days it sat, unpublished in my drafts and for 1 month and 18 days, i would see it and turn on my heels, heading to another corner of the interwebs. i couldn't face the post. i couldn't face the fact that i had had another miscarriage. lost another baby.

to describe a miscarriage would be futile. the heartache and devastation or even the hope for new life that is also accompanied by a pit-of-your-stomach fear that it all might happen again. every feeling, every ache is so deep that there are no words to accurately explain and describe it. it can be crippling and is definitely life-altering, but the hope... it's there and gets stronger every day and crawling out of the darkness has filled me with so much light.

there's been a shift in my body. a clarity in my soul.

it took me 1 month and 18 days to write this post, but that doesn't mean that the healing is complete. it just means that i'm ready to move forward in the most positive light that i can. i owe my daughter and my husband as much.

i owe myself as much.

we're here again.

i can't really put into words the amount of fear that comes with getting pregnant after having a miscarriage. i truly did not think that it would be like this. i thought that i would be elated. that i would have this new appreciation for the gift of life inside me and would sing it from the mountain tops and tell the world "i'm having a baby!".

but it's not like that.

i guess it's pretty obvious after that intro. i'm pregnant. 7 weeks and terrified. every symptom. every lack of symptom. everything makes my heart stop. i'm trying not to, but it's hard. so hard. and the nurse and ultra sound tech told me it would be. i vividly remember them hugging me and telling me that the next time i got pregnant i would be so scared and cautious and they were right.

today, i started bleeding. not a ton, but a little bit more than i did with Lucy. it could be a good sign, since i didn't have any bleeding with my miscarriage... until i miscarried. but it's also making my eyes sting and my breath stop and my throat catch.

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fast forward to now. i'm sitting on my couch, my beautiful baby is playing and singing to herself, and i'm bleeding. a lot.

it's over.

and the sadness is real.