stay in your lane.

 

 

i'm usually so good at this! i have always had relatively strong opinions on allowing others to do their thing without my nose getting into their business. as long as it's not harmful to themselves or others and does not affect me in some adverse way, who am i to say what you can and cannot think, feel, or do?  i was not placed on this earth to pass judgment on someone else's life, just as i expect the same in return. there's a chance that i may not agree with you, but that does not mean that i would ever tell you that you can't do/think/feel how you do. now... having an opinion and bringing that up at happy hour is, in my mind, different ;)

 

BUT!

 

there's this thing that's happening in my family right now. and it's so hard to stay out of it and it's so hard to stay in my lane, when all that i want to do is yell, "what the fuck is wrong with you??? this is the most selfish choice that i have ever witnessed! you have done nothing to prove that you are even remotely capable to handle this and no one. literally no one. thinks that this is a good thing." (well that feels better!). and yes, i know that i'm not a alone in my feelings, but i am alone in the fact that i cannot let go and move forward. i think about this thing daily and it is such a toxic situation and by merely thinking about it all, i'm mentally and emotionally brought down to a negative place.

 

and yes, i believe that part of this is my own issue. the miscarriages, the trying, the single line on the test. it sucks and it's part of my disdain and it's part of my inability to let go and it really, really sucks that my vagina is supposed to sing red on Saturday when i'll be helping to host a little party for said issue and i know that i'll be a wreck (hopefully internally, at least until the party's over... jeesh) and all of this builds into my feelings and makes it hard to differentiate my disgust at the situation and my heartbreak that it isn't me.

 

i need to let it go. i need to stay in my lane and let it go, because i know that i wouldn't be feeling THIS strongly if i wasn't having my own struggle right now and i need to have hope that it will be me when the time is right and that even though i truly am disheartened and let down by what's going on, it's not my life. it's not my choice. it's not my problem.

 

i need to remind myself to have hope, not hate. i can't change what's happening... plus, hope is a better feeling than hate.