i'm the worst.

the absolute worst at keeping secrets and this is a huge one. I've only told my husband, my parents, and you, the great abyss of internet nothingness. ah! everyday I want to walk into the office and yell, "I'm pregnant!" and what makes it worse is that there are 3 other women... 3!... that are pregnant right now and I desperately want to be like "me too! me too!"... but I can't. and every time I talk to one of my girlfriends or my aunties or my sister-cousin I just want to spill. it. all. spillitall. gotdamn this is going to be a very. very. VERY hard 7 and a half weeks. ugh. ugh for a good reason, but ugh none the less.

in other news... isn't my mushy just the damn cutest?? she looks like such a chunky eskimo baby <3
I just love the little babe with all of my might!

it starts.

how funny it is that you somehow forget all of the bad parts of pregnancy as soon as that cute little cherub pops into the world. I've just been smacked in the face with glorious exhaustion (the kind that is almost painful) and I'm suddenly remembering... yes. this part sucked. the body aching, crawl under my desk, can't hold my eyes open for another moment exhaustion. ugh.

when I look back on my pregnancy with Lucy, it is most definitely through rose colored glasses. yes I was tired, but never that tired. yes I was nauseous, but never too nauseous. all emotions and symptoms came and went with the greatest of ease and then my beautiful baby girl was born. BUT I seem to so easily forget those many days in the beginning that I crawled under my desk and slept for 20 minutes or that time I threw up in my garbage can or right outside of that restaurant or in the bathroom of that other restaurant for 15 minutes (tomatoes... oh the tomatoes.) or the many times I cried and thought to myself, "this is weird. I'm not even sure what I'm crying about" or the countless times I was 2 seconds from my head spinning exercise style because of something my husband said.

wow.

so i'm apparently not very good at keeping up with things. i don't think that i ever have been, but it's glaringly apparent when you go to your blog and the last entry was 2 months ago. jesus! i'm declaring that to be one of my new years goals… follow through. it's one of very, very few faults of mine. possibly the only one ;)
back to the 'wow' in the post title.
so i figure that it's safe to write this here as no one reads this blog and if this post does happen to find eyes in the blogosphere, chances are they won't be those of anyone i know… so… i'll just go out and say it…

i.
am.
pregnant.

again!! unreal. totally and truly unreal. Lucy is just 5 months! how did this happen?? well… i know how it happened, but… how did this happen?? ugh. so exciting and terrifying and grateful. i'm just in shock. it feels a lot like last time. i was supposed to get my period on wednesday and took the test on friday (today) and both times i had a feeling before i even missed my period. call it coincidence, call it mother's intuition, whatever it is, it's kind of awesome.
the only teeny reservation or fear or anxiety that i have is that i have no reference point for siblings. yes, my husband is one of 4. yes, my mom is one of 7 and my dad is one of 8. yes, all of my friends have siblings. but… BUT, i'm an only child. i don't know why, but having another child makes me nervous solely because i don't know the daily ins and outs of living with siblings. will my kids feel loved enough? will i be able to give my everything to all of my children equally? i don't know. it's silly and i'm sure that every second time mom has the same reservations. i just hope that my babies know that my love for them is equal and eternal.
so there! my big wow. i'm going to be buying several more tests tomorrow just in case, but the one i took today was a strong yes.
gah!

apple crisp.

i am obsessed with yummly. obsessed. a coworker turned me onto it not quite a week ago and my life has been changed ever since. for those who don't have a coworker in the know… yummly is basically pinterest, but just food. just food. it's kind of amazing.
yesterday morning, after my baby had gone down for her morning nap and before my husband had woken up from his blissful, late, glorious, slumber (envious i am), i had a moment need to bake. i had some apples that i was going to use for a baked apple dessert, but never had, so i looked up a quick apple crisp recipe. it's totally normal to eat apple crisp for breakfast. it's basically oatmeal. basically. the recipe that i ended up finding was adapted from happymoneysaver and it was damn good.

first…

apples, butter, brown sugar, flour, oats, cinnamon, nutmeg, apple pie spice, lemon (not pictured)

 per usual, i took liberty with the recipe starting with the apples. it calls for 2.5 cups, but i had 4 apples, which amounted to more than that and i don't think i would've used less at all, but i like an apple-y crisp. i also like having a variance of textures, so i typically cut my apples in different widths. next time, i think i'll do more thicker pieces to thinner, as my husband was saying it "wasn't dry enough".

 i added the juice of one little lemon and about a tsp or 2 of apple pie spice (just enough to slightly coat the naked apples).

mix the spices, oats, flour, and brown sugar.

stir in the cup (!) of melted butter...

till it looks like this. it's very much like a cookie dough.

dollop onto of your apples and put into the 375 degree oven for 30-40 minutes, until golden brown. i had mine on a sheet tray just in case there was any spillover. there wasn't… but i wouldn't take the chance.

ta-da!!! so good. so, so good. 

if i had my druthers, i would've whipped up some cream with a little powdered sugar and vanilla or maple extract… or a big ol' scoop of ice cream. because adding dairy to the equation is only rounding out the whole balanced breakfast thing… right? 

i shaved my legs!

i shaved my legs last night! oh the glory. to think of how i took advantage of the pre-baby freedom that is shaving your legs for oh so many years. going days and days on end without even glancing at my razor because i didn't feel like it or had my period or was sticking it to my husband and now, NOW i look longingly at my razor as i race through the wash, rinse, repeat cycle a few times before Lu starts wailing. but last night… last night!… my husband got her ready for bed and hung out with her and i got to shave my legs! yes, there were a few interruptions, but overall… i shaved my legs last night!

right now i'm...

yawwwwning. i am just so damn tired right now.

watching the people's couch. and dying. this show is too much in such a good way.

happy that my baby is asleep. thank you jesus! haha. but really. poor baby hasn't been feeling well and it took her 3 times of falling asleep on my chest, waiting a while, putting her in her bed, and waking up 3 minutes later before we got here… asleep for a half hour now! yeay!

thinking about being more organized this holiday season. ugh, i feel like this season just sneaks up on me every year and by january 2nd i'm left like,"uhhhhh whaaaaa", and regretting the fact that i didn't prepare more and vowing that this coming holiday season i'm going to do better and 12 months later… "uhhhhh whaaaaa". it's the worst. this year, though, this year is going to be turning point. i'm going to make a list and i'm going to check that list twice (tee!) and i'm going to rock this season like it's never been rocked! (picture me in my dark room with no expression on my face, but in my head… i'm really skinny and jumping for joy).

still laughing at the people's couch.

thinking that i can hear something outside my window… BECAUSE IT'S SO WARM THAT OUR WINDOWS ARE OPEN. ON NOVEMBER 3RD.

going to bed.

i made it.

well, i made it through my first week back from maternity leave and i didn't die. no, it really wasn't bad at all. i have a great circle of friends and the days are busy with work, laughing, and little bit of gossip and i'm sure that if i were in a career that i loved, this would've been an amazing transition, but… i'm not and what last week really showed me was that my desire to be a stay at home mom is strong. like really strong. i want to cultivate a life for my family. i want to teach my children everyday. i want to watch and experience their beginnings in this world and i know that you can do that as a working mother, but it's different. you have to learn to share your child and those teachings and those experiences with someone else.
kevan and i haven't had the final conversation yet, so i'm not going to count it out, but me staying home… although wonderful and amazing and my right now dream… would mean a change in our lifestyle. right now, we have a pretty good cushion. one that we can rely on, that doesn't leave us with financial stress and that's a huge thing. and me staying home wouldn't mean that we would be on the breadline by any means, but big trips and house projects and filling my cart at baby gap just wouldn't be as frequent and that can be a hard reality to get used to.
so for the time being, we are where we are. i'm using a ton of PTO every week so that i can be with my girl as much as i can and we're counting down the clock till the ball drops and the new year has begun. our deadline for a decision is approaching and although i know what i'd like, it may not be the best for our family and when all is said and done, what i truly want is what's best for us.