total noob.

Mood. total. mood: 

 i'm married to the IT manager at a relatively large company and i can barely maneuver around my mac short of browsing the interwebs. so when i tried to upload photos from my camera onto my computer and it said i didn't have enough memory... um what? computers run out of memory? well i'm not that big of a noob, but really though... it's not like i'm hoarding thousands of documents and movies on my laptop... or am i? ugh! I just want to download all of these adorable pictures of my toots.

you're probably thinking... why don't you just ask your IT manager husband to help you?... and that would be a totally logical question to ask and if life were that simple and i didn't have a mac, I totally would. well i'm still going to... but i'm going to have to sit through the endless ramblings about how macs are the worst computers ever and how everyone who uses them doesn't know how to really use them and blah ba blah ba blah blah blah. annoying. i'm going to go now and listen to the wise words of my husband as he clears my computer and bitches about the fact that I should have a pc.

 

mood:

 

1 month and 18 days.

that last post ("we're here again") was actually written 1 month and 18 days ago and for 1 month and 18 days it sat, unpublished in my drafts and for 1 month and 18 days, i would see it and turn on my heels, heading to another corner of the interwebs. i couldn't face the post. i couldn't face the fact that i had had another miscarriage. lost another baby.

to describe a miscarriage would be futile. the heartache and devastation or even the hope for new life that is also accompanied by a pit-of-your-stomach fear that it all might happen again. every feeling, every ache is so deep that there are no words to accurately explain and describe it. it can be crippling and is definitely life-altering, but the hope... it's there and gets stronger every day and crawling out of the darkness has filled me with so much light.

there's been a shift in my body. a clarity in my soul.

it took me 1 month and 18 days to write this post, but that doesn't mean that the healing is complete. it just means that i'm ready to move forward in the most positive light that i can. i owe my daughter and my husband as much.

i owe myself as much.

we're here again.

i can't really put into words the amount of fear that comes with getting pregnant after having a miscarriage. i truly did not think that it would be like this. i thought that i would be elated. that i would have this new appreciation for the gift of life inside me and would sing it from the mountain tops and tell the world "i'm having a baby!".

but it's not like that.

i guess it's pretty obvious after that intro. i'm pregnant. 7 weeks and terrified. every symptom. every lack of symptom. everything makes my heart stop. i'm trying not to, but it's hard. so hard. and the nurse and ultra sound tech told me it would be. i vividly remember them hugging me and telling me that the next time i got pregnant i would be so scared and cautious and they were right.

today, i started bleeding. not a ton, but a little bit more than i did with Lucy. it could be a good sign, since i didn't have any bleeding with my miscarriage... until i miscarried. but it's also making my eyes sting and my breath stop and my throat catch.

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fast forward to now. i'm sitting on my couch, my beautiful baby is playing and singing to herself, and i'm bleeding. a lot.

it's over.

and the sadness is real.

sass bread.

ok… i had to post this NOW before i forget what i did. i didn't take any 'in the process' photos, because i didn't even know if it would turn out and i honestly didn't even think to photograph it because it's just carrot bread.

just carrot bread it is not. 

this. 

this bread. 

it is amazing. 

Sass Bread

makes 2 loaves

4 eggs

1 cup white sugar

1 cup brown sugar

2/3 cup canola oil

2/3 cup coconut oil (in liquid form)

3 cups flour

1 1/2 tsp baking soda

2 tsp cinnamon

2 tsp nutmeg

1 tsp salt

4 cups grated carrots (i used the multi colored pack from TJs)

1 can crushed pineapple (drained and pressed)

1 cup currants

preheat oven to 350.

spray 2 bread pans with coconut oil spray.

beat eggs till fluffy.

add oils slowly with mixer on medium high.

add sugars and beat until light and fluffy.

combine all dry ingredients in separate bowl.

slowly add dry mix to wet and then mix well,

stir in carrots, pineapple, and currants by hand until fully incorporated. 

pour batter evenly into pans and bake just over an hour. loaf will be a little brown, but a knife will come out nearly clean.

let cool.

or don't and eat straight outta the oven.

oh my god it's good. it's reeeealy good.

go make this. now. now i tell you!

tori.

i have started umpteen posts on the subject that's been rolling through my mind and my heart for the past month. it is a story that is so gut wrenching with it's debilitating sadness that there have been few days that i have not thought about her and wept since i first read her story.

a young mother... just 37... lost her battle with cancer this past tuesday. it was just over a year ago, after giving birth to her beautiful son, that she found out that she had cancer. just a year... and now she's gone. what a void. what an immense field of sadness that is seen and felt by so many. i didn't know tori, nor did i even know of her until a month ago, when her battle was starting to slow. but we are both women and mothers and i feel like there's this bridge… one shared heart that allows us to feel what one another is feeling.

and this collective heart is breaking. breaking for her two small babes that will know their mother's love, but won't feel her touch. breaking for her husband who will no longer feel his wife's loving kiss. breaking for her family and friends who long for one more hug. and breaking for her. all of life's moments that were just beginning that she had to say goodbye to.

before lucy, my grieving would have been for her children, husband, family, friends. i would have been saddened by the void it left in the lives of those left here. but now, my heart is heavy for her. for the knowledge and deep feeling of loss at what she'd be missing. i can't imagine knowing the end was near and that you'd be leaving your children. i honestly cannot handle the thought. and knowing that she had to endure that is gut wrenching.

every ounce of my being is with you and your circle of loved ones, tori. every ounce.

life lately.

this weekend was a much needed one. 

do you ever feel like you're going and going and going and going and… it's just exhausting? we finally pressed pause and just hung out. loved on each other and soaked up all the weekend goodness.

baby's bikini for florida! looooooooove this little toots and all of her sassssss!

land before time as an adult? soooooo many feels :(

and… just because i know you were begging for it..

hazzaaah!

so gross! hahahaha

green machine.

i think i'm becoming addicted to making baby food. our freezer is bursting at the seams and i have 3 recipes that i've been wanting to try... i'm crazy. i know i am, but they are just too easy to throw together, relatively inexpensive, and my little toots needs to eat... so... it kind of have to... maybe just not the quantity that i've been whipping up, though!

back to the food...

i like to make sure that Lu has a bit of green in every meal and this is one that's on continuous rotation. blanch some greens, toss in some fruit, a little coconut milk to thin it out, and BAM! you've got yourself some green machine baby food. i think i might start playing around more with the addition of herbs. i used to use more spices, but have kind of tapered off for some reason. oh well! 

you can tell this was a daddy day, as it was probably 5 o'clock and Toots is still in her pjs. such a cheeky little monkey!

so hungry! i'm pretty sure this is beets, blueberries, and spinach.

blend that ish up! i like to put everything in a baggie to make it easier to transfer into the ice cube trays.

i let my daughter do this step... no. no i didn't. i'm just really precise...

when all cubes have frozen, i like to write the ingredients and due date on a baggie to store. it just makes things easier when you're in a hurry, or if someone else is feeding her and they have allergies- ie. my mother in-law watches Lu 3 days a week and is allergic to squash and zucchini. this way, she won't go into anaphylactic shock when feeding her granddaughter... yikes!

 

 

  Green Machine

1 pack of frozen peas

1 bag of fresh spinach

1 bag of frozen green beans

1 bag of frozen peaches

1 can of coconut milk

 

dump bag of green beans into boiling water for about 3-4 minutes

transfer directly to ice water

blend all ingredients together

taa-daaaaa!!!

 

from there, you can either feed yo baby right away, put it into the fridge for up to 4 days, or freeze for up to 4 months.

 

**fyi...i am not a fan of the peach flavor. i've made this before with apples and it turned out much better. it's not terrible by any means and i'm sure Lu doesn't even notice nor care, but i do, damnit! i will never use peaches again! well... not in the recipe that is.