and just like that...

it was over.

i've been trying to write this post for two and a half weeks (really… you should see how many drafts i started, couldn't find the words for, and then couldn't delete). i just don't know where to start and i guess the best thing to do when you're at a loss for words is to let it all out and see where it takes you.

two and half weeks ago… february 3rd… i was added to the list of members in the club that no woman, no family wants to be a part of.

kevan and i went to our first prenatal appointment in the middle of the work day. i had been in this office twice a week for the last two and half months of my pregnancy with lucy. everything felt so safe and routine. there was an issue with the woman having an ultra sound in the appointment before ours, so instead of having us wait around, we did the second half first… blood draws, pelvic exam, the whole nine yards. when we finished up with that, bobby (the ultrasound tech who i got to know really well with lucy) was ready for us and we went back. they had brought in new technology since we had had our first prenatal with lu and as she was starting the vaginal ultrasound and telling us all about it, her body and head dropped. "this is the bad news that i didn't want to give."

i was pregnant… any test would say i was... but it was a bad egg that had been fertilized. there was  a big, black hole in my uterus that should have been filled with a baby and my mind went blank.

I was asked if I wanted to miscarry naturally or have a d&c and I chose to wait it out.

two and half weeks later and I'm coming to the end. it was tough, it was painful in all ways, but (as cliché as it sounds) it happened for a reason. I don't believe that we are always supposed to understand "the reason", but in this case I do. amongst other things, we needed time. my body needed time. life needed time. and as hard as it was to see that empty sac and feel all of my excitement immediately turn to despair, we needed it.

I may not feel the same sense of peace of this ever happens again (heaven forbid), but in this moment that's where I am.

at peace.