mtka o.

can i preface this with saying how much i hate when people talk about going to the "pumpkin patch"? like... i know that that's the name of where you're going, but it's so annoying to me. "me and the littles at the pumpkin batch!", "doing fall at the pumpkin patch", "being gross and saying pumpkin patch". ugh! can i be more of a curmudgeon or what? bah-humbug and bad tidings to you, too.

so here we are at the pumpkin patch!

ew. hahaha :)

my sister cuzzie is home for a bit, before their family is transferred to hawaii (HUGE sad face) and we decided to do it up, fall style and go to Minnetonka Orchards a few weekends ago. 

serious blast. 

it's not thaaaat far from the cities, there a million things for the kids to do, apple cider donuts, and a free hay ride. woot!

i mean for real... this chick kept her stunner shades on the ENTIRE time. and i died.
it was such a perfect day and i know that we need to get lu into ecfe and other programs, but i wish we could just pocket this little family for a while longer. our busy schedules make it hard to see each other every day and i keep having to remind myself that it'll only be like this for a few more month.

megan and i are only 8 months apart and being an only child, that meant that she was and is the closest thing that i will ever have to a sister/sibling. we grew up not far apart, sleepovers all too often for my liking (i've always had separation anxiety from my parents and i don't care who knows it so there), every spring break for a good while together, lived together several times till we almost killed each other, and have always wanted to have our babies have that with each other. 

so this was a good weekend. as sad as it will be when they leave once again (GD navy...), we'll soak up these beautiful weekends together as our babies entwine themselves to each other as we have for all these many years.

also... as you look at this last picture, hear "weeee we... weeee we... weeee we" in the cutest baby voice <3<3<3

how to have a baby.

step 1: get married.
step 2: track your flow.
step 3: have unprotected sex whilst ovulating.
step 4: you're now pregnant.
step 5: 10 months later and poof... you have your baby.

easy enough, right?
but what about when it's not? what happens then?

we spend so much of our formative years not even thinking about getting pregnant (or if we do it's, "dear god let me get my period..."), that when the time comes when we're ready for that baby, we want that... scratch that... we neeeeed that baby, most of us aren't prepared for the unexpected struggle.

getting pregnant with Lucy was a breeze. we didn't want to be pregnant on our honeymoon in Europe... i mean... we were in Munich during Oktoberfest. duh. and basically got pregnant a few weeks after we got back. wam bam thank you mam.

 i didn't have to think about it/obsess about it. it just happened and was so easy that i guess i just assumed i'd be one of those fertile mertyle's who wouldn't have any issues having babies on babies on babies.

Kevan and i have always wanted our kids to be close in age, so when we got pregnant soon after Lucy was born (like woops... 'they would've been 13 months apart'... soon after), we were like wow... this might be a little crazy... but we can totally do this and it's going to be awesome.

then i had a miscarriage and it was terrible and we cried and we moved forward... got pregnant again a couple of months later, followed by yet another miscarriage.

 the sinking realization that this won't be as easy as i had hoped and all of the questions and fears that come along with that has been a hard adjustment. i might have to sit back and watch everyone else get pregnant, while i pine for another baby. i might have to learn to be ok and happy with a family of three and as selfish and ungrateful as that may sound, i want all of the babies.

i want a house full... or a full house (haaaave mercy!)... and as i said before, the prospect of that not happening has shifted our world a little bit and as much as you try to stay positive and keep trucking through, it's still there. the what if. and you know what... i think it's ok to be sad or feel defeated at times or even mad or jealous when a friend gets pregnant... i mean... obviously you're elated, ecstatic, excited... but it's ok to also have the other feelings, too.

i don't know. i guess the long winded point is that nobody really talks about this side of it. the emotional and physical struggles that women go through when trying to get pregnant and i think that it's a shame, because when it does happen, we're not prepared for how gut wrenching it is. what a life altering process trying to give life can be.

and every day i remind myself of how lucky i already am... 

 

my happy place.

this is my happy place.

up north. on the lake. this lake. 

we've been coming here since i was a baby... since my mom was a baby. this lake is in our blood. it's waters run deep through our soul. 

and now through my baby.

there is something about being up north that has always brought an immense amount of peace and clarity to me. being on the water, away from technology and all the responsibility of life in the city really allows your brain to disconnect. to rest. i always tell my husband that your brain is a muscle and just like marathon runners need to take a few days off here and there, big thinkers/IT nuts like him need to give their brain muscle a break too or risk injury... although sometimes his brain already seems injured... dishes go in the dishwasher damnit! and that right there is exactly why getting out of the city... getting not only mentally, but physically away from our problems and stresses allows us to regroup. to come back fresh eyed and bushy tailed and ready for the week's challenges.  



blue steel baby :)

the spirit of adventure is strong with this one. not even a week after she started walking and she was stomping the lawn like she owned the place... frankenstein style, always.

suns out, belly's out!

it's just the best.

the trail of broken hearts

wah.
this damn trail.
i love it. i hate it.
it's gorgeous and runs right past our house.
but it runs right past our house! my unobstructed view of wildlife and nature is now tainted with sweaty people and damn kids. ugh those damn kids.
just yesterday, two women had stopped and were looking at something when i realized it was two cute little deer! two cute little deer that i would have been able to clearly see a few months ago, but now... noooow i have to peer through this damn trail and its fence and the damn women.
arrrrr!!! first world problems!!! angry face.

 

i feel ya kid...  



rabbit rabbit.

i did it!

i actually remembered to say rabbit rabbit this morning! who knows if it'll bring me good luck this month... i mean... i did get to work and immediately texted my girlfriends that this was going to be the day that i was going to split my pants... but we'll see! i guess, if i make it through work and target with no rippage of the pants, i'm off to a good start.

speaking of ripping my pants... i need to lose weight. like lots of it. i just went through my phone to try to find old pictures of my sexy ass, but it's been so long... i'm not even sure cell phones had been invented the last time i was skinny. sigh.

maybe that's what all this good luck will be about this month. loosing a million pounds!

i bought a bunch of jars recently and started making jarred salads and overnight oats to bring to work, which really helps. what doesn't help is when you get busy and forget and then go to the gas station for a burrito bowl (no rice! yes chips... damn) and about 10 other treats. grrrr. but! it does really help to meal prep. it actually makes all the difference in the world. making sure to have meals prepped at the beginning of the work week, especially for meals eaten at work, takes all of the guess work out. all of the chances for bad choices and skipped meals no longer pose a threat to a healthy lifestyle.

plus... look at that beaut! she's filled with tzatziki, tomates, red onion, gyro meat (gyro meat! not really all that healthy, but TJs sells it!), and loads of lettuce. mmmm... she's a regular, ol', gyro salad in a jar! so good. probably not the healthiest salad i could make, but it's better than Noodles or Pasta Zola or a juicy burger or a reuben or... ok done.

i'm really hoping to write more about my progress with weight loss. i'm really hoping to have some progress with weight loss. after my last miscarriage, my eyes were really opened to my lifestyle choices and how that is probably a huge factor in everything that happened. loosing weight and living healthy isn't just for me anymore. it's for my baby and all the babies i want to have. it's for my future and for my today and rabbit rabbit! help me lose all of this weight!  

 

it's never too late.

i'm 31 years old and have yet to ever properly use a planner.

along with the tub of journals i have accumulated over the years, my affinity for beautiful planners and my lack of restraint when purchasing... well... anything... landed me with this beauty late last year. the design, the color palette, the everything had me so excited to start actually organizing my life and it worked! for the first few months, it actually worked! and then... it just kind of moved around the house with me. always at the ready to have my plans and events and appointments jotted down on. and sometimes i'd go back to using it again for a few weeks, but then slowly, i'd back off. my poor, beautiful planner, left sitting on the coffee table or my desk or the kitchen counter or tucked in my purse, eagerly awaiting the next time i'd open 'er up and start planning. organizing. doing.

my love affair with planners and my unwillingness to make a long term relationship out of them probably has some deep meaning, an underlying issue that's been bubbling at the surface for a good portion of my life. a darkness that's crying to see the light. my inability to follow through.
or maybe it's just that i'm not that kind of a person. i don't like to be tied down to something and need to feel free to flow with the winds of change in order to feel content.
jesus... i'm talking about a damn day planner... where is this even going??

that's the great thing about life though, right? change. and the ability to do so at a moments notice. like this... we're smack in the middle of the end of summer and the beginning of fall right here... in between these two months. the end of summer is so palpable you can almost taste it. the crisp air and dew on my car in the morning. the windows open and the need for air conditioning dwindling. it all signifies the end of the season and the sadness that comes with that. but those crisp mornings and open windows also mark the beginning of something new. fall is coming.

i guess what I'm trying to say in my typically long winded fashion is, is that it's never too late to start something. to use your day planner.

total noob.

Mood. total. mood: 

 i'm married to the IT manager at a relatively large company and i can barely maneuver around my mac short of browsing the interwebs. so when i tried to upload photos from my camera onto my computer and it said i didn't have enough memory... um what? computers run out of memory? well i'm not that big of a noob, but really though... it's not like i'm hoarding thousands of documents and movies on my laptop... or am i? ugh! I just want to download all of these adorable pictures of my toots.

you're probably thinking... why don't you just ask your IT manager husband to help you?... and that would be a totally logical question to ask and if life were that simple and i didn't have a mac, I totally would. well i'm still going to... but i'm going to have to sit through the endless ramblings about how macs are the worst computers ever and how everyone who uses them doesn't know how to really use them and blah ba blah ba blah blah blah. annoying. i'm going to go now and listen to the wise words of my husband as he clears my computer and bitches about the fact that I should have a pc.

 

mood: