cautiously extatic.

i was going to write this post yesterday about getting pregnant after miscarrying and the fears and excitement and nervousness and hope that's all wrapped into one giant ball of morning sickness vomit. and how i had an appointment tomorrow (which is now today... right this moment actually) that would tell us what feelings we could feel, whether it be devastation or pure happiness. and how teetering on the edge of those two emotions can make a person go fucking crazy.

but here i am, waiting for the nurse to pop into the room (which in my honest opinion is worse than the suspense you get while watching a horror movie and is the top of the top reason why i hate going to the doctor), and i'm pregnant. we saw our little bug moving around and its teeny heartbeat bumping away ("that sounds great!" said the tech) and although we are OVER THE GODDAMN MOON!!!!!! there is still that incling of fear, the what ifs, the i hope this lasts.

for now, we're cautiously soaking up every minute with this leetle embryo ❤️

and for real... what the fuck. i love and respect all nurses, but are you having a pizza party in the damn lounge while i'm stuck like a rat in a sterile cage for 45 minutes? is it cindy's birthday and you're all singing and opening gifts and rhonda is sneaking rum into the punch bowl while i rot in this 6x10? hey guess what? i really enjoy pizza and fucking love cake and i also have to get back to work, so please... put down the pepperoni and let's get this shit over with!

(typed as nurse enters room...)

stay in your lane.

 

 

i'm usually so good at this! i have always had relatively strong opinions on allowing others to do their thing without my nose getting into their business. as long as it's not harmful to themselves or others and does not affect me in some adverse way, who am i to say what you can and cannot think, feel, or do?  i was not placed on this earth to pass judgment on someone else's life, just as i expect the same in return. there's a chance that i may not agree with you, but that does not mean that i would ever tell you that you can't do/think/feel how you do. now... having an opinion and bringing that up at happy hour is, in my mind, different ;)

 

BUT!

 

there's this thing that's happening in my family right now. and it's so hard to stay out of it and it's so hard to stay in my lane, when all that i want to do is yell, "what the fuck is wrong with you??? this is the most selfish choice that i have ever witnessed! you have done nothing to prove that you are even remotely capable to handle this and no one. literally no one. thinks that this is a good thing." (well that feels better!). and yes, i know that i'm not a alone in my feelings, but i am alone in the fact that i cannot let go and move forward. i think about this thing daily and it is such a toxic situation and by merely thinking about it all, i'm mentally and emotionally brought down to a negative place.

 

and yes, i believe that part of this is my own issue. the miscarriages, the trying, the single line on the test. it sucks and it's part of my disdain and it's part of my inability to let go and it really, really sucks that my vagina is supposed to sing red on Saturday when i'll be helping to host a little party for said issue and i know that i'll be a wreck (hopefully internally, at least until the party's over... jeesh) and all of this builds into my feelings and makes it hard to differentiate my disgust at the situation and my heartbreak that it isn't me.

 

i need to let it go. i need to stay in my lane and let it go, because i know that i wouldn't be feeling THIS strongly if i wasn't having my own struggle right now and i need to have hope that it will be me when the time is right and that even though i truly am disheartened and let down by what's going on, it's not my life. it's not my choice. it's not my problem.

 

i need to remind myself to have hope, not hate. i can't change what's happening... plus, hope is a better feeling than hate.

morning off.

there was a power outage at work! and it was awesome because i hadn't even gotten out of my pajamas! so instead of stumbling out of the house at 7:30 gross, i was home with my number one... and two... girls until almost noon! squeak!

!!!

so aside from my obvious excitement at being able to stay home with my babes, mornings with my girl are my absolute favorite and oddly enough... trying out new breakfasts with her is a big part of that. i've always been a huge proponent of introducing lucy to as much diverse flavor as possible. trying to expand her little palette in hopes that she won't be super picky and for the most part, it's worked... fingers crossed, wood knocked.

 

one thing that i like to mess with, because it's easy is adding things to her eggs in the morning. this morning i put in a few dashes of dill and cajun spice before whipping up the eggs and slow scrambling them. oh so good. the cajun spice isn't hot spicy, which is perfect for a baby's mouth and offers a round flavor... a little more edge than plain old eggs (which is all that my husband makes for her ugh). she also loooooves avocados and toast, but avocado toast? not a fan. i'm pretty sure winnie was handed those. 

mmmmmmm... there's nothing like wheat grass in the morning :) for real though... one of my girlfriend's girlfriend swears by a glass of wheat grass in the morning. i can't remember the brand... it's organic and tastes like horse hay.... but it's honestly unreal. one glass in the morning will give me more than enough energy to last the day... WITHOUT coffee! say what! the only reason that i had that delicious starbucks brew out this particular morning was because I had to drink it before it went bad... woa is me. really though... amazon that ish. it's awesome. organic wheat grass for the win. oh... and brekkie with the winnies and a little frozen ain't bad either. 

aaaaand i had to post these because awwww! so cute!  

happy Halloween (a week late...)!!! 

new beginning.

New month.

New beginning.

New mindset.

New focus.

New start.

New intentions.

New results.

my mantra.
it's been so hard for me to get on a kick lately.
i know what i need. i know what i need to do and i get there, it just doesn't stick.
but it's got to.
i need to get healthy for my baby, for my husband, for any future babies.
most importantly, for me.

so i'm using this day, the first of the month, to be a jumping off point.
a new beginning.

mtka o.

can i preface this with saying how much i hate when people talk about going to the "pumpkin patch"? like... i know that that's the name of where you're going, but it's so annoying to me. "me and the littles at the pumpkin batch!", "doing fall at the pumpkin patch", "being gross and saying pumpkin patch". ugh! can i be more of a curmudgeon or what? bah-humbug and bad tidings to you, too.

so here we are at the pumpkin patch!

ew. hahaha :)

my sister cuzzie is home for a bit, before their family is transferred to hawaii (HUGE sad face) and we decided to do it up, fall style and go to Minnetonka Orchards a few weekends ago. 

serious blast. 

it's not thaaaat far from the cities, there a million things for the kids to do, apple cider donuts, and a free hay ride. woot!

i mean for real... this chick kept her stunner shades on the ENTIRE time. and i died.
it was such a perfect day and i know that we need to get lu into ecfe and other programs, but i wish we could just pocket this little family for a while longer. our busy schedules make it hard to see each other every day and i keep having to remind myself that it'll only be like this for a few more month.

megan and i are only 8 months apart and being an only child, that meant that she was and is the closest thing that i will ever have to a sister/sibling. we grew up not far apart, sleepovers all too often for my liking (i've always had separation anxiety from my parents and i don't care who knows it so there), every spring break for a good while together, lived together several times till we almost killed each other, and have always wanted to have our babies have that with each other. 

so this was a good weekend. as sad as it will be when they leave once again (GD navy...), we'll soak up these beautiful weekends together as our babies entwine themselves to each other as we have for all these many years.

also... as you look at this last picture, hear "weeee we... weeee we... weeee we" in the cutest baby voice <3<3<3

how to have a baby.

step 1: get married.
step 2: track your flow.
step 3: have unprotected sex whilst ovulating.
step 4: you're now pregnant.
step 5: 10 months later and poof... you have your baby.

easy enough, right?
but what about when it's not? what happens then?

we spend so much of our formative years not even thinking about getting pregnant (or if we do it's, "dear god let me get my period..."), that when the time comes when we're ready for that baby, we want that... scratch that... we neeeeed that baby, most of us aren't prepared for the unexpected struggle.

getting pregnant with Lucy was a breeze. we didn't want to be pregnant on our honeymoon in Europe... i mean... we were in Munich during Oktoberfest. duh. and basically got pregnant a few weeks after we got back. wam bam thank you mam.

 i didn't have to think about it/obsess about it. it just happened and was so easy that i guess i just assumed i'd be one of those fertile mertyle's who wouldn't have any issues having babies on babies on babies.

Kevan and i have always wanted our kids to be close in age, so when we got pregnant soon after Lucy was born (like woops... 'they would've been 13 months apart'... soon after), we were like wow... this might be a little crazy... but we can totally do this and it's going to be awesome.

then i had a miscarriage and it was terrible and we cried and we moved forward... got pregnant again a couple of months later, followed by yet another miscarriage.

 the sinking realization that this won't be as easy as i had hoped and all of the questions and fears that come along with that has been a hard adjustment. i might have to sit back and watch everyone else get pregnant, while i pine for another baby. i might have to learn to be ok and happy with a family of three and as selfish and ungrateful as that may sound, i want all of the babies.

i want a house full... or a full house (haaaave mercy!)... and as i said before, the prospect of that not happening has shifted our world a little bit and as much as you try to stay positive and keep trucking through, it's still there. the what if. and you know what... i think it's ok to be sad or feel defeated at times or even mad or jealous when a friend gets pregnant... i mean... obviously you're elated, ecstatic, excited... but it's ok to also have the other feelings, too.

i don't know. i guess the long winded point is that nobody really talks about this side of it. the emotional and physical struggles that women go through when trying to get pregnant and i think that it's a shame, because when it does happen, we're not prepared for how gut wrenching it is. what a life altering process trying to give life can be.

and every day i remind myself of how lucky i already am... 

 

my happy place.

this is my happy place.

up north. on the lake. this lake. 

we've been coming here since i was a baby... since my mom was a baby. this lake is in our blood. it's waters run deep through our soul. 

and now through my baby.

there is something about being up north that has always brought an immense amount of peace and clarity to me. being on the water, away from technology and all the responsibility of life in the city really allows your brain to disconnect. to rest. i always tell my husband that your brain is a muscle and just like marathon runners need to take a few days off here and there, big thinkers/IT nuts like him need to give their brain muscle a break too or risk injury... although sometimes his brain already seems injured... dishes go in the dishwasher damnit! and that right there is exactly why getting out of the city... getting not only mentally, but physically away from our problems and stresses allows us to regroup. to come back fresh eyed and bushy tailed and ready for the week's challenges.  



blue steel baby :)

the spirit of adventure is strong with this one. not even a week after she started walking and she was stomping the lawn like she owned the place... frankenstein style, always.

suns out, belly's out!

it's just the best.